Yes, I fully realize that I have posted this flier previously, and that I have extolled the virtues of said event time and time again, ad nauseum etc. etc. etc. But I cannot stress more strenuously the importance of your lame, pathetic arses attending this 'race' tomorrow night: the Gawds of Dirt are all lined up, waiting ever so patiently to laugh in your face and throw frog feces in your eyes; even the girl scouts will have their stripper pole/cookie hand-up installed on the back side of the course. So, to entice you and whet your appetite - and grease your colon - I give you another installment of my race reporting from a previous event...and to think there will be so much free beer tomorrow night that I might just ask myself out: I give great blow-jobs on the first date...
It has come to my
attention that my services are needed; that my millions of fans have been
holding their collective breaths, waiting for any sign of truth to emerge
concerning last Saturday night’s Pirate cXc debauchery, also known as the
Saturnalia of Phat. Now, you haters of
pork beware: the following invective,
which is a diatribe of cellulite-like proportions, is likely to offend everyone
equally, especially those who doubt the power of the plump.
Since my recent
sex-change operation successfully made me a master of three-hole insertion
merrymaking, I have embraced only the sexiest of night bike riding. So with
considerable haste, I signed up for the first Pirate cXc race of the season,
which took place on a full moon – my normal night wherein I dismember sundry
prostitutes – and was abnormally pleasant weather for late January. In observance of my devout religious
intolerance I arrived in drag, as did many, including White Mike who appeared
as a transsexual Elmo, countless 11 year old boys stuffed in his pants. The
award for most prideful costume, though, went to Mrs. AmazonMonroe, and in the
end his amore por de gordo brought
him fame and fortune beyond all measure.
Wait just a
fucking hour….what the heaven do costumes and vodka flasks on fatties have to
do with illegal night racing? Well, let’s just say that a Pirate cXc race gives
new meaning to “cross”. Again I get
ahead of myself. What exactly happened
that night is of utmost importance when one needs definitive explanations of
how they awoke Sunday morning with an ache in their anus and their man-bag stapled
to their thigh. I can neither confirm
nor deny the existence of the Deevil, but if he had a dog in the fight he was
without a doubt present at the time-bonus table ( or maybe at the end of the
teeter totter licking his chops ).
Powdered donuts
pair well with beer, so says the local UCI Cicerone, who checked my tire width
on every lap, which disqualified me from my normal spot on the podium. Even after I consumed *348 of Chasm’s
tall-boys on the starting line, my virginal Krampus strayed mightily, careening
off many tree-shaped objects, otherwise know as trees. On one lap I was “legitimately” forced to
taste baby gravy in the back of my throat, as Joel stomped on my glutes, which
involuntarily sent my twins spreading across my top tube. I recovered quickly with the help of my
cheerleaders, and was able to catch him in the deep, dark forest and deliver a
felch on a magnitude of 8.9 on the Richter scale….
And as it has
been foretold, I sense in my ADD infested, sixth grade dropouts I call my
readers, that a more gay-forward approach is necessary: yes, I will now provide a list of a
despicably insufficient narrative that is not without its inherent risks.
1.
Chris-go rode my white fatty and valiantly
rescued fairy wings that were abandoned after Handleballs had his way with
them.
2.
Postal Jeff and his trusty MukLuk snubbed the
time-bonus table in favor of the free Girl Scout pole dances on the backside of
the course.
3.
Speeding Jesus smoked me in the single-speed
class…as if that is a rare occurrence.
4.
Jack Sparrow blew himself…I mean to say that he
flatted his fatty during the pre-race rituals and was forced to ride Axel
Rose’s Stumpjumper to the start/finish.
5.
T-Don was utterly frightened by my blazing speed
and because of this he did not race…
6.
The Manimal and G-whiz were so slow that they
only lapped me *46 times, a complete disgrace for Ethos Racing.
7.
The Silent Killer continued his dominance by
giving an old-fashioned to everyone who doubted the advantage of an obese steed
on a course designed by racist circus midgets.
8.
Cotter drinking enough for a small German
village and still finishing ahead of me…what the fark?
9.
Chasm showing the entire world how imperative it
is to dress to impress, and to leave the back door of your PBR jammies open for
business.
1. And
last but not leased: some poor schmuck tried to be Paul Bunyan and plowed into
the flora, breaking his arm in the process.
Only the picture leaked of me humping a deer was less embarrassing,
which goes to show, a Pirate cXc race is not for the faint of heart: only those
born without one.
Captain Cuntwat reporting….
