Ain't no nothing no more...

So little time to report, so little to report on...a sad, sordid state of affairs, not unlike the sunshine when she's gone; not at all like the beer when it's empty, nor the trails when they are covered in snow, or, conversely, melted ice and mud....at least I opted for some sand this week and got out and spun the SS Pugsley for a few hours to quench my maddening thirst for all things off-road velo. But alas, there are other goodie news of importance swirling amidst the fairy dust of failure here in the KC cycling world: we have made about 50 Taddihogg hats this month, including 20 for Black Sheep Cycles in Fort Collins - for their trip to NAHBS - and I am in the process of selling off some of my stable ( a carbon 'cross bike and a pimpy track model) in order to clear space and renumeration for a Ti/Carbon wunderbike 29+. Yes, yet a another foray into the pit of heaven that is the 3"x 29" stomper; and this one should tip the scales at around 23lbs: so fast I will be noteth...

After spending 13 years on a full-suspension bike as my main trail-slayer, I have, for the last year now, not even had a front suspension bike in my collection: completely steel and rigid; Krampus, 2 Pugsleys, and the eponymous Jones Spaceframe and Truss fork. All these bikes are amazing in their own right, but at 28.5 lbs the Jones is the lightest trail bike in the line-up: it is time to go on a diet and get down to a brawling weight now that my 40's are not going away as was foretold by Paula Abdul and her minions of MC Hammer impersonators....so much for an 80's revival movement because  Ronald Reagan  was the bomb. Worst. Fucktard. Ever. Trickle down dickhole...

Beer breath...

Today is the day after an epic binge of the barley-pop variety, the first in over 10 days, the first since my ribs were crushed in Arizona and I returned to this frozen wasteland; of course today is also Hallmark Cards Day, and we men will fail stupendously in our attempts to woo our boyfriends into the back seat. At least the Kansas Senate has bitch-slapped the House and will hopefully have the disgraceful and asinine bill off the floor and into the dustbin of freetarded history, otherwise known as Topeka: backwards-ass lobotomites. But, we celebrated last night at the newest micro-brewery here in KCMO - The KC Bier Company in Waldo - and it was quite impressive...but then we had to migrate over to my Cheers ( now that Swagger is closed ) and patronized the Bier Station with the glee of * 456 Horseburgers in Dodge City...and consumed many a strong brews, including the below mind-blower - at 17% abv.

Still have a deadache of chronological proportions, but it was well worth the price tag...

And, since this ice age is now melting, maybe my ribs will let me breath and I can get back out on the single-track, frozen and bulbous as it may be...

And did I mention that the fucking Pirate is going to be welding at Black Sheep Cycles in Fort Collins starting next week? What a Gawdamned Bastage...just absolutely no drive or talent whatsoever. It's just so sad to see people getting ahead in life in these United Snakes...I pity my foolish self.

Snow Jobs and Ice Prickles...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9TM7IMoUhk&feature=youtu.be

If the above Youtube link is any indication the answer is yes...and since I was a total fucking lame eunuch last night, I missed this bacchanalia of ball-slapping, aka Dirt Cred the Second Cumming. Instead, I filmed a porno with my *45 wives called 'Aborted Mor(m)on'  and then killed all the puppies in the neighborhood with a butter knife, also known as a normal Saturday night at the Carson household. In other, less sordid news, I did not ride my Fatbike in the snow today because I have been out in this Winter-living-hell-shitfacedhole all week - a cornucopia of single-digits and frozen, receding penile persuasions: if there was a way I could legally get away with raping this snow and murdering its immediate family, I again would volunteer my sainthood for such a noble endeavor...

This post is really about nothing as usual, other than a photo-dump that rivals a T-rex with diarrhea; or maybe just my anus after a binge at Chipotle, one that includes an entire bottle of smoked Tabasco, which, until Google saved me from certain failure, I thought was spelled with an "0"...just goes to show ye that my majority German roots are so un-spicy that it borders on mental abuse: or maybe my current pour is speaking...

Buttplugs in actuality, this post is ostensibly for the purpose of showing off my ridiculously inept video editing skills while under the influence of brain matter I found on the floor of a short bus: This is my final edit of the tardtastic footage I obtained at Single Speed Arizona last weekend; replete with a wimpy wreck that left me with 2 cracked ribs and the inability to huff crystal off a hooker's belly button. Enjoy Cocaine; and for sexy-time's sake, go to the settings and watch it in 720p HD...the bouncing camera on my Jones 29+ looks so much better that way...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4PNmWyeBhc&feature=youtu.be

Violated by Cacti: SSAZ 2014

                      On the way west...Wilson Lake Kansas, IMBA Epic Switchgrass trails.

                                        Yoda had no idea what the fuck he was talking about when he said 'there is no try - only do'; or was that Oprah giving Lance Armstrong a hummer in the green room? Either way, there was no try in the checkout line at 6500 feet in the Arizona mountains this last Saturday: there was little do other than in my panties, especially after the final descent down Milagrosa, which resembled getting massaged by The Rock with a baseball bat; in part do to the boner-hard rigidity of my Jones Spaceframe. Whatever excuse I can muster is invalid in the eyes of The Master Dejay, for, so few fucks were given by said race organizer/sadist that my two cracked ribs are going to teabag him via teleportation. That being screamed, the following list of events is in no particular order, much like my remaining brain cells, which were shock and awed by every size and shape of inebriate, the most flagrant being a 23hr drive home with no sleep and enough coffee to make me the majority owner of a plantation in Columbia.

1. I hooked up with the Pirate and Jake the Baker in Colorado Springs at Cameron Chambers' house in the middle of a snow storm late Thursday night, and as we exited onto I-25 south, we intercoursed with the Moonmen crew from Ft. Collins and their Subaru/burrito extravaganza, and then made our way through New Mexico and into Arizona by noon on Friday, covered by more tumbleweeds than is legal by law on the Mexican border.

yes, that is a titanium bong.

2. Those in the know assembled at Dejay's abode, and commenced imbibing the *468 cans of Oskar Blues brew that we were supplied with - along with some kick-balls schwag - by the REEB crew in Lyons/Longmont, and eventually made a trip out to the mountains to ride a few hours before the nine o'clock check-in/saturnalia of sin at an Irish pub, wherein my ears were raped by a cover band doing VanHalen and Jake and Dax gagging a goose with "Fight for your Right" by the Beasties.

...the Bang Bus/bondage van pre-pryotechnics ...the ceiling had a huge section burned out the next morning.

333. Luckily, Jake and his mutha-fuckin-sexy-blond mohawk were situated at the rear of the TardTaxi when Dejay decided, with Donna at the wheel, to light a can of something that stank of a meth lab in our general direction....

4. I like choking chickens.

589. It rained on my sack.

616. It was Saturday morning and my tampon was dry.

7. Yet another ride in the White Death Diesel to the meet-up and Uhaul fudge-packing festival in which  * 6790 bikes were packed tighter than an enema in Chris Christie's giner, and *456 riders were forced at gunpoint into a glorified school bus remindful of an episode of South Park, then driven up some Lemon-flavored mountain to the starting line that was really just a cliff that anyone with gears was thrown off of...

896. We rode bikes in the high-desert. I wrecked 2 hours in, minor I thought at the time, but which resulted in two cracked ribs - then 5 more hours on the steel donkey. 

9. Fuck me in the earhole with no reach-around, the trails were beyond incredible: crazy steep climbs and then drooling/bloody downhills with gorgeous Bob Ross-esque scenery - happy little trees and angry huge rocks. 

10. As George Carlin once said ' I never fucked a ten; but one night I banged five 2's' ...this might be the best way to elucidate the non-participants on the final hours of the 'ride with friends' that was Single Speed Arizona: miles of Jeep roads; aid stations with farm animal anal; a Hooters girl appearing ahead and behind me in a fever dream; sleet, rain and locusts in my teeth; endless hero-dirt that was beyond epic; midget pole dancers on Milagrosa; laughter, tears and wrists so sprained that schlongs were grossly neglected...

1190. After flatting 2 miles from the finish -wasting 20 minutes of daylight - I crossed the finish line and immediately began shoving pizza in my cunilingus-hole and decided, with the help of Satan himself, to hide my bleeding, broken taint in my tent and avoid the after-party; which may have been the best decision since my 4th sex-change operation: not, not, not, not.

12ish. We drove home. With no help from the the traitor Jake, who chose to fly back to Boulder instead of joining the human centipede in La Pirata's Toyota  of shame. I ended up recreating a Breaking Bad episode and was awake for 23hrs straight before the drive ended for me at 11:30 Monday morning back in Kansas City. 

132398920398402983. In the end, the trip might have been the best I've had since my pilgrimage to the Dick Cheney presidential library in Hell: you fucktards in Arizona are a rare breed, and you deserve only the highest of accolades for putting on a world-class event; one that I will never forget, even with the best SSRI's and hand-job therapy from Perez Hilton.

Moonmen titanium bikes...look them up and get a bike-boner that lasts for more than 4 hours...

...from the master Sean Burns/ Oddity Cycles

And for a little tip of the teepee, watch a small penis of my coverage of the ride...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-YTq8ewPnI