I love the sound of
skull hitting the pavement hard
helmets are for rubes.
If I can be serious for a few milliseconds, let us all rejoice that yet another 8Lumens member ended up in the hospital last night, replete with chunks of head-flesh dripping onto the steril asphalt of the West Bottoms of KCMO and blood sacrifice to the gods of the velo-cult. Cranial protection is, in the 21st century, a must, though in the first 20 years of my life on two wheels helmets were as rarified as a Kardashian's IQ. With that said, there are times when one is inebriated to the point of a fire-breather, and in those holy moments of glee, mistakes and poor riding skills abound like a Mormon bunny orgy at a Cialis convention. Case in point, we, the 8Lumens Army of None, assembled under the guise of illegal parking garage pyrotechnics and canned-beer exploitation, and gave the angels of aggravated anarchy - on our Penny Farthings with twisty staches - something to write home about from the Eastern Front....Chop 'em Ups is Dead; Long Live Chop 'em Ups.
Since my memory of the events that transpired last night into a human centipede of a downward spiral are minimal at best and completely non-existent at worst, I will of course resort to the tried and true option of listing - in absolutely non-linear order - what I can gather with the remaining brain cells left to my disposal...
1. David HasselShoff is a fucking maniac with a PBL (Pot Blood Level) of 50%.
23. Curlzeli is the baddest-assed woman on the planet and has attained a lifetime membership in the 8Lumens Army.
54. Chris-Go again saved the the night, or at least saved Fred from paying for an ambulance, which, by the sounds of sirens by volume, would have taken *56 hours to show up anyway.
78. The 8Lumens Fund for Growth is going to purchase a full-face downhill helmet and padded suit for Fred in hopes that the next time he 'decides' to blow out both the tires on my Krampus and do a 4 foot drop onto his face he will at least be protected from becoming a short bus volunteer.
69. We might have been witness to the most amazing scene of depravity and poverty all wrapped up in a sexy little bundle of the American Dream atop the abandoned parking garage at 31st and Main: 2 individuals of unknown sexual orientation shooting heroin, stripping copper wire from stolen air-conditioners and slapping salami at the same time in an enclosed stairwell; a feat heretofore unknown to my lurid imagination....
289. The Benspooter formally known as Fukinwhat is without a doubt the corrupt CEO of 8Lumens corporation; a complete array of responsible bikey riding and authority avoidance.
9. Riding 15 miles home through the warzone that is SW Blvd on a Friday night on a single speed Krampus with a flat front tire might be the penultimate excuse for calling a taxi if those events are ever replicated with any verisimilitude again...