Thursday, August 13, 2015

An embarrassment of ditches.

     Yes indeed, it has been more than fortnight, more than an antentwig, even longer than a nightmare that centers around Tonald Drump being ahead in the polls; no, dear reader, I have not abnegated the Cuntwat Throne in order to save the Queendom; nor have I changed my heavenly habits in any way, shape or formality: bikes, beer and bathing in the light that is the refection of all things 8Lumens...and my beautiful Oddity Cycles Twerker 29+.

Even though we here in the KC metroplex are anywhere between 10-15 inches above the average yearly rainfall, the single-track has been epic, if not Hero, and the amount of greenery/jungle is unrivaled since I began riding here in '98. The springs are still flowing with a vengeance, but at least the long-range forecast shows a 7 day stretch with no rain, for nothing is more cleansing for the soul than a wrestling match with the rocks on the Highline at BuRP.

And, since we are on the topic of forcible copulation, let us spend a few minutes on a similar experience that took place 10 or so days ago here in KC at Swope Park: yes, Single Speed Kansas City went off like a dirty bomb in a suitcase carried by a Richard Simmons impersonator in a two-sizes-too-small Jaegermeister thong.

Much has been said and written concerning the aforementioned event, and how it might have been the penultimate off-road cycling party to ever take place in our kickdick burg...and indeed it was: 3 days of murder, mayhem and Death Sauce challenges (which I lost in an epic, non- sexy fashion ) not to mention some of the best single-track in the Midwest. Chasm, El Blanco and the rest of the 8Lumens crew blew the minds of all the participants, eclipsed only by the fact the most of the entrants were mindless, fetid zombies riding bikeys that consisted of one gear. A celebration of tri-sexuality like no other...

...the below pictures are of me, the Princess Boner Ghost challenging a Texan, Wil Bloodworth - who is not of this earth - to a Grinders Death Wing eating contest ( 600,000 Scoville Units -look it up). It did not go well for yours liarly, and I failed with noble aplomb, worthy of a gold medal for fish-lipping a floppy carrot...

No comments:

Post a Comment