Friday, May 31, 2013

You Dirty Sanchez's..I mean Kansans.





Yes indeed, the DK 200 is tomorrow and I will not be present as was foretold. May the force be with the Pirate and El Blanco Miguel, as well as my many other compatriots who will have bleeding anus' by midnight Saturday. I hear rumors that Handleballs is already booked full for his gig as a prostitute at the KOA campground...and I can tell you from experience that he is well worth your money. And, as a bonus for me - !que ganga para mi! - those drunken assuckers sold all the Taddihogg DK hats in 10 minutes: Heckuva job Brownies.  Just make sure that you pack your frame-bags chock full of Ding-Dongs and Cherry Rolls...Dolly Madison needs $ for her stint in rehab.

TwatCunt out...




Thursday, May 30, 2013

Float trip...



Might just have to strap on my life preserver and hit the rapids....at least next week I will be riding beaches in Florida, swerving around bathing beauties and Germans in Speedos.




And to make things bettererer, this is me before I had a job...

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Beer butt...



I have no idea when I will be able to be back on single-track...the rain keeps coming and, while my friends are readying for the Dirty Kanza 200, I have little to no interest in grinding my taint into a callus the size of Texas. And, now that the Lone Star state has stepped in its own shit pile yet again concerning ObamaCare...well that's no surprise; Kansas is no better with its wing-nut, fucktard government and our total dipshit of a governor. I have a sick urge to visit the now-open Bush library in Dallas so I can see Orwell's 1984 in physical form: un-fucking-believeable propaganda to hide an administration full of war-criminals. But enough raving and wringing of hands; let's fucking drink copious amounts of barley juice and stare at the clouds. Maybe I will get out the kayaks and take a trip to New Orleans and keep going till I get to Puerto Rico. While last night's road "ride" was a panty-dropper, it never even comes close to screaming down a rock-strewn trail on my Krampus...rain, rain go way, cum on my moobs another day.



Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Severe dooshing...

Well, it's looks as though we will be relegated to an urban mt. bike ride tonight due to the trails being wetter than whorehouse in Seattle....hopefully the amount of miles accumulated will equal the number of beers consumed both during and after.

       -BonerTwat out.


Sunday, May 26, 2013

Ride for fucks sake...


And this is why I am not a roadie...




It's time for a little mud and grime....


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Like a monkey fucking a football....

Ahhhh, the sweet smell of failure....J-Dizzle and I had a mud-tastic catastrophe on the Blue river tonight, 2 hours of Fatbike goodness that ended a bit rough but was well worth the struggle...



Sometimes you just have to live and learn, or die and forget, depending on your idea of success...


And when your bike gives you oranges, fucking crush them into a pulp....


At least we were able to amputate before the Salsa bled out...


And to think that Jason was not there to observe the carnage....he would certainly approve.


Cuntwat out.



Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Respect for the Kaw....


For some unknown reason I was recently part of a charity ride (on road bikes no less) - to raise money for malaria prevention- and happened to take a slightly wrong turn and ended up in the mighty metropolis of Council Grove Kansas. Now, for all you Santa Fe trail buffs, this is a historic little burg on the edge of the Flint Hills with some groovy old native stone buildings, a jail the size of a large refrigerator, and a few other tidbits of import.  Also nestled away near the Neosho River is the Kaw Indian Mission Museum, a wonderful mini-documentary of how we as a nation killed more people than Hitler and Stalin combined. But that is a sordid and pathetic tale of greed, racism and avarice that we all are just so tired of hearing.  That being said, the Kaw Indians gave me (by force) a nice gift in the form of a sandy river that flows slowly toward my current place of residence: Kansas City.  KC was originally known as 'Kaw's Mouth", due to the confluence of the Kaw and  Missouri rivers downtown. Most of Kansas is a sandy high desert and therefore the Kaw drains all this sediment eastward into the clay-based soil which is prevalent in Missouri. There are many dredging operations along the Kaw, which have the dual purpose of keeping the river as deep as possible - for flood control...


...as well as supplying the main ingredient for our many outdoor volleyball courts.


But some of that sand gets backed up, especially in time of drought, and builds up in massive, 2-3 mile-long bars - perfect for many a shindig - but mainly for the purpose of FatBike riding.  We have to take what we can get here in the Midwest - 4 hours to the "mountains" of Arkansas and at least 6 hours to any decent desert dunes. So in times of sorrow, all is made well by the gift of the Mighty Kaw sandbar in western Shawnee, directly south of Bonner Springs, Kansas.  There are many a rogue trail that weave through the surrounding forests and even a race or two have been had on the grassy, pot-plant strewn fields adjacent. But my main concern is the bar, which stretches 1.5 miles along the eastern shoreline...a thing of true beauty and isolation. 


The river is very shallow, albeit swift in a few random channels, but in the heat of summer one can walk across the entire width while still having their head above water. Last night I was joined by Commander Jack Sparrow -singlespeedpirate.blogspot.com  -for his maiden voyage on non-frozen sand: a slop-fest of mud, sweat and gears that might have been more fun than a free buffet at a strip club...

-Princess out.







Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Sailing the sea of weeds...

Had a little fun-fest with Commander Sparrow tonight on the mighty, muddy Kaw river here in Kansas Shitty...full novel to come, so be satisfied with this little tip of the boner for now....






Nom nom nom...

I'm sure she will be giving beer hand-ups tonight on the trail....



And since my Krampus still has a blown freewheel, I will be back on the beast tonight...the original Boner Ghost Pugsley SS.



Monday, May 20, 2013

Fairies, unicorns and asshats...

Intoxicated photo shit pile....

This one is stolen and I have no regrets...Pure awesomeness on a Krampus no less.





New sock day always give me a chub-o-rific feeling.


Another classic from last Tuesday's Pirate ride...a piece of angel fell off the trophy into my mouth.

Post post haste. ..

And in the beginning there was light...which was used to make fart torches.


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Here's to rough starts...

I'll drink to that...in fact I'll drink to anything at this point.





...or maybe this.








...but in the end it all comes back around to bite the ass that feeds you.



Friday, May 17, 2013




250 of these bad boys are in production as we speak...you know you want one.

Mr. 1000...

And just when all was thought lost I was able to pork Newt in all 3 holes over 1000 times in one week...or was it that I violated 1000 androgynous goats on New Zealand's south island in a 24 hr. period: only Time Magazine will tell.  In actuality, it would seem that this virginal blog has been viewed nearly 1000 times in the week since it was violently aborted; and to think that 900 of them were me in a solipsistic, masturbatory rage...keep cumming back y'all.




Thursday, May 16, 2013

Shit just got real....



     ....And here he is, my kick-ass progeny, ready to shred the gnar after we get a shorter stem and hack the seatpost off a little....and get rid of that completely useless outer chainring. Marge Lites with cut-outs...getting red rim tape as well; hipsterville here we come.





Rothko would approve without a doubt...





Wednesday, May 15, 2013

On my way to AA...

Now we're talking...imbibing at a gallon per hour rate:





Had a beyond kick-ass ride last night at Landahl Park Reserve in good ol' IndepMo and only had to do 3 lines of meth to fit into the crowd. The Pirate crew was in full effect http://singlespeedpirate.blogspot.com  and the trails were drier than your Mom's coochie on a Sunday morning.  Many mishaps came to fruition, but overall the mt. biking was like crack to Whitney Houston.  Earlier in the day I lost my fucking mind and purchased a new XS Surly Pugsley for my son's looming 9th birthday:


which to no one's surprise is the most bestest thing a father has ever done in the history of the world; I fully expect my medal of honor from the President any day now...But after such a blessed day came to an end while drooling over 19 year olds in miniskirts at the Foundry,  I had a brief moment of reflection before I passed out with *47 lbs of spicy tots in my belly: riding bikes in any form is not only cathartic,  it burns off the Demons faster than a Kardashian swallows semen...

Cuntwat Out.





Still not drunk enough...

In the meantime enjoy this barrage of photo dumping....





 








     Yesterday's festivities were just a bag of gumball goodies, and need the proper time to gestate in order for me to write a rhetorical masterpiece...later tonight I have a date with a massive beer I.V. - which will no doubt give me courage and fortitude with which to offend the greatest number of fucktards at once...and by the way, I am a staunch supporter of Crocs -8 years and counting- and I get laid every night by my *37 concubines...so comfortable and stylish with 13" black cycling socks.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Viejo verde...muy.



                              Today's agenda includes the most festive of activities one can shake
                              a 12" rainbow dildo at: the pilgrimage to the holiest of sites...Trader Joes.
                              Where cheap booze and ladies in Yoga pants flow like manna from heaven,
                              and chocolate covers things that should never be considered as desserts...