Foto Fartage.

The stories that will remain untold are sundry and myriad and many and morey, and let it be known that the last 10 days contain a plethora of those categorized as such: family vacation, lack of riding - 6 days to be exact - and enough prime Colorado brews to keep one foot in the AA tank. But, now that the trails are dusty dry yet again, I have been able to take advantage of our world-class trail systems here in good ol' KC; 3 days in a row of epic single-track - two of those with the kiddos.

But, back to ultra-violence and avoidance through imbibing science:

Dusted off the ol' SS Pugs for some suburban cycle-biking as well...

And, as many of you in the knowledge knoweth, SSWC went down this weekend in Skankorage AK, and since I am a down-home conservative type, I stayed as far away from this event as possible, so as to save up my sexual stamina and semen storage capacity for SSUSA in Michigan here in two weeks-ish. The below photos are stolen from various criminal elements, whom I will not identify for reasons of National Insecurity.

...if you look closely in the bottom left, your eyes will not deceive you into believing the truth of the Bionic Ninja Keagles sticker on the DC mega-flask.

And now, a few pix from South-Central Colorado...

Garden of the Gods.

Great Sand Dunes Nat. Park.

Royal Gorge.

100% solar-powered coffee house/roastery in Pueblo.

Damn good food and incredible brews...

And finally, and old riding friend of mine's current team car...may the force be with him.

You, me and Billy Dee.

So sorry nerds, I meant Lando Calrissian -surely the confusion will set in and take hold like the Wrath of Khan. As if this blog needed another reason to begin a story of virtual murder and mayhem with the statement of fact that is the imbibing of barley juice, of riding single-track like deaf bats out of hell, of tire tracks on the ass of the unbelievers, fearful of all that attends itself to the demon that is the 29+.

….nothing that a 40 won't fix.

The impetus, barely hidden behind a rotted patina of shame, for this last week's events was definitively  unjust and inept as usual in the Land of the Lumens: one of the founding members was in town for a visit - Captain Sparrow by any other name - so the troops rallied around the temple of spooge and fucked up some dirty dirt after the rains exited; culminating in an over-the-top menagerie of mockery and misogyny that was without a doubt some of the moist funnery I've had in a fortnight or twenty. 

Many  tires were blown, many El Blancos were taxied home, and many malt liquors were consumed whilst riding the pave' back to the Bier Station, which of course was closing as we arrived - much to the chagrin of the management to be sure. We ended up in Brookside with hot spuds and cold suds, in hopes that any tick or owl residue would not attach itself to our sanded taints - a victory not worth writing home about, let alone mentioning outside the rubber room that is El Ocho Lumenes'...

FIve out of four ain't bad.

   ...That's the amount of The Maths that I need to suckseed in this modern paradise we call the 21st century folks, it's just that elementary: 750 ml. is the only measurement that matters; 650 if you're a New Belgium/Lagunitas loser. Though, Lagunitas is so cheap, that even the BackDoor Boys can afford to demand it on the riders for their  shows at the most luxurious casinos worldwide.

…tonight's menu for the record. Beer and smoked trouser snake a la amputee.

In the event that I don't get around to talking about all the kick-balls rides I was able to get in this last week- including a blazing fast race out at Wyco - let me apologize at the outset: for all has been Hero Dirt here in KC; at least until tonight when we get slammed with a vengeance from the heathens in Nebraskock. Hopefully the storms pass through quickly enough that the trails are dry by Wednesday so that we 8Lumens cultists can attend a true Pirate Ride for the first time in a year, as Capt. Sparrow is visiting the Farm with the Fam this week…surely there will be a slug-fest out at the Beej's estate one or more nights indeedy. 

So, back to the pink: the child was at the grandparents and the wife was distracted by my hirsute mug, so I rode Swope, BuRP and Landahl on consecutive days - 2+ hours each - and then topped it off with a bloody cherry on Sunday with a few laps out at the Mason's Midsummer Madness race at Wyandotte County Lake. 

…La Pirata on his swanky new sled: Oddity Cycles curvy scurvy supreme.

…me, myself and The Princess after my number plate ripped off at 65mph around the 8Lumens corner.

3rd is the new 4th…without yams even.

David HasselShoff looking saxy-golden as usual...

so many dooshtards, so little time…love you honeys.

That is Gomez from Fatbike.com sporting his best Church-going Sachs: full initiation into 8Lumens to come….

…on occasion, racing can be a bit brutal, for Mister Jones at least.

If you are a devotee of all things mt. bike, run don't walk to the urban masterpiece that is the Lake of the Wyco: so many miles of fast, flowy goodness, laden with WPA-era rock structures and enough dusty, forested rocks to keep your steed bouncing along with the glee of *89 one-armed strippers on Ritalin; 15 minutes from downtown KCMO, 5 minutes from Sporting KC park, and 11 hours from your last child-support payment. Cliff and the Masons are a bunch of badass trail builders, plain and simple….

Hobby Lobby Hand-Jobby.

   

     !Praise GAWD! At least my vagina can be properly regulated at my place of work now; all my fellow employees who help me arrange plastic flowers and balsa wood airplanes, while listening to Michael W. Smith's greatest hits, can now sleep better knowing their hushpuppy-addicted boyfriends can make as many gene-challenged babies as they so choose.

But let us not wade into the quagmire that is the arena of climate change deniers and bible literalists, for all is well under the canopy of altered states here in KC: The Fuck Yeah sock revolution has begun and 8Lumens will not stop until all Satan's children wear them to Mass and Temple. 

Get your bad self a pair or 10 here before they are all covered in pussy hair:

www.8lumens.bigcartel.com

And if you don't this fine lady will never, ever, ever, ever ever give you a lap dance.

And, speaking of beautiful women, HardCorbinCummyBuns is such a damn juvenile delinquent:

…and El Killer de Silencio is a fast mofo on the Speeds of Singles…especially in his own damn backyard, SMP in Shawnee KS.