Sunday, December 8, 2013

To celebrate Global Fat Bike Day, I sat in a recliner and caressed my moobs...

Truth be untold, it looked far more like this:

If I had to do a detailed, highly clinical self-diagnosis, I would probably choose the Perkies, which actually are currently giving me extra blood flow below the equator...Which brings us to the conversation du jour: the proliferation of FatBikes and their newly-appointed lovers, the 29+. I bought my first full-suspension bike in 1999 and thought that I would never again go rigid - unless fondled by Kate Upton - and, after racing for a season ( 3 years ago) on an Ellsworth 5" travel full susser 29er, was convinced that that was the only way to go, for all mt. bike eternity. But, on a whim of sorts, and after a brutal winter that year, I bought a Surly Necromancer Pugsley with the intent of riding trails through the worst of the snow season. As luck would have it, that winter produced only 3 inches of snow here in KC, and I decided that my Santa Cruz Heckler could take a break while I gave the Pugs a whirl on dry, technical single-track. I'm not sure how to explain what happened that day, but I never again rode my 6.3" bouncer again; I still rode my SS Kona Unit on occasion, and I even bought a Focus racing 29er that ended up collecting dust as well. Every time I showed up for a group ride on my Necro, I was mostly ridiculed, but then, as the ride progressed, everyone was amazed at how well the bike handled on the rocks and roots that are so prevalent on our trails. I then decided to build up a SS Pugs - almost two years ago now - and quickly realized that for our relatively flat elevation around these parts, a single speed was the only way to go. At this point in our story I sold the Santa Cruz, because there were rumors that Surly was going to release a 29er 'Fatbike', and I wanted to save up some dough for what the world would come to know as the Krampus. I got on the waiting list in the late Spring of 2012 and after the summer passed with no sign of the frame/fork/rims/tires combo, I thought that we here in 'flyover country' might have been left wanting....But, thanks to Britton at Volker Bicycles harassing QPB incessantly at my bequest, I finally got my poopy little fingers on said package right before Christ-ass last year. Let us now refocus our attention on Gawd for a moment:

Much better: now I can again think clearly with a holy heart and mind....The Krampus was also built up as a single-speed, with helpful motivation from the Pirate, of course - - and my first off-road test was a cXc night race. This was the point where my history as a mt. biker ( since I was 13 years old ) changed course and set as it's goal a whole new game, one that was replete with pain, anger and more fun than Rush Limbaugh falling into an active volcano. The 29+ platform was by far the biggest change to my style of riding since going to full-suspension: yes, the 26" Fatbike was amazing, but the extra rotational diameter of the Krampus - 30.5 " to be exact - made all old trails new and all new trails lay down before me like a Pope in a Roman bathhouse. Granted, the bike is still fully 'rigid', and one must alter their riding style in order to keep afloat, but in the end, getting beat up by the Knards floating on the Rabbit Holes is far more rewarding an experience; can't say why exactly, but then again, even a LadyBoy gives great handy's in the dark. Veritably, I cannot lie: I thoroughly enjoy hearing that a shop here in KC -Velo+ - is selling about 6 or so Fatbikes a month now, and if we actually get some measurable snow, that number is sure to rise exponentially...I'm sure that Specialized ( SpecialEd Dooshtards) and Trek will be selling a few here in town this winter as well, and that is fine I suppose, but if you really want to jump into the pond of scum, go to the Surly source first. I'm not sure why they have never hired me as a rep, because I have sold more fucking bikes for them than Donald Trumpussy ever did; maybe the NSA let them now about my criminal past: 50 years hard time for raping baby unicorns.

No comments:

Post a Comment